I kind of consider myself a walking paradox. Which I’m told is not uncommon for someone with my personality type. If you know me you’d probably agree that I don’t really struggle with self-esteem or worry about keeping up with trends, or bother myself with what people think about me. However, there was a time in my life where I suffered from social anxiety.. Quite the paradox, huh?
I am an introvert living in a world made for extroverts, but this social anxiety was much more than just uncomfortable shyness. When I was an underclassman in high school, I was played by a boy—I’m sure all girls have a similar, sob story from high school—and found myself in a lot of uncomfortable social situations. Well, these situations really messed with my mentally, and from then on, I was more than just socially introverted... I was socially anxietal. (Yeah, that's not a word, but roll with me).
Let me give you a glimpse:
I looked at menu’s on my phone hours before I wanted to order somewhere and then memorized and practice how to order my food.
I counted my cash 5-10 times before approaching the register.
I became a pro at fake phone calls to avoid awkward situation.
I was honestly convinced that any and every person I passed in the hallway was talking about me, or thinking about how they didn’t like me.
I couldn’t walk in a building alone. Even if I was meeting a friend. Even if they told me where in the building they were. I seriously couldn’t do it.
I could never admit when I was wrong or didn’t know something. I’d pretend I knew until I really couldn’t keep up.
I drove around the block more than 10 time before I could finally park and knock on the door of my friend’s house, or get the nerve to walk into a building.
I would sit in my car for more than 20 minutes before braving up to walk into the hair salon, or post office, etc.
It sounds silly. But back then it was overwhelmingly real.
This social anxiety and constantly obsessing over my behavior and how I was coming off also turned in to a case of perfectionism. I became obsessed, not with changing who I was, but with making sure people saw me the way that I wanted them to see me.
I staged things in order to portray what I wanted others to see in me. Little things like "working so hard" behind the computer "preparing" so that I didn't have to interact with the people around me.. even though I was just "very seriously" typing gibberish on to a blank Word document.
My life became a stage. A cycle of denying that I cared about what others thought, having anxiety about social situations, and then obsessing, trying to perfect the situation to cover up my anxiety.
This was my life for about 3 years.
I recently moved back to my hometown after being in college for several years, so I’ve had some time to reflect about the person I was before I left this town. Looking back now, I recognize pretty clearly the root of my past anxiety and perfection: the need for control.
As a naïve 16 year old girl who’d fallen head over heels for a boy and stupidly surrendered all emotional and social control over to him. But in my attempt to recover, I swayed too far to the other side of the pendulum and couldn’t function without being in total control. If I didn’t know exactly the situation before walking into it, I would succumb to anxiety.
So I couldn’t even walk in to meet my friends for lunch because I was not 100% sure of where in the building they were—and walking in and looking around the room for them would mean admitting I wasn’t in full control of the situation. And I couldn’t admit that.
My anxiety lead to perfectionism, and perfectionism just fed my pride.
While I have healed from that stage of anxiety, that pride and need for control still creeps up and tries to over power me again at times. I know that I’m not the only girl with a story like this. So sweet sister, if you are reading this, be encouraged.
Admit to yourself that you are afraid. As silly as it may seem.
Recognize where you are weak and then intentionally strengthen those areas.
Share what’s on your mind with those you trust.
Release your need for control.
Do not be afraid to ask for help or guidance—even if that means just asking an employee where their restroom is.
Fake a smile if you have to. Convince yourself you are calm and confident of the situation even if you aren’t.
Count down from 10, and then take 5 seconds to do something brave—like walk into the building by yourself. (This helped me so much).
You are no longer a slave to control. You are no longer a slave to perfection. You are no longer a slave to your own mind. You are no longer a slave to fear.
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