God In Your Depression

(For context, I would suggest reading 1 Kings 19 before this blog!)

When I was freshman in college I found myself in a very emotional and confusing low place. I was in a new environment, had no idea what I wanted to study, and had some very rocky friendships and relationships that I had hoped college would get me far away from.

I found myself saying to God, “Remember everything I’ve done for you so far? Aren’t You supposed to repay me or something? Why don’t I hear Your voice? Why are these relationships falling apart? Why do I have no direction? Why did you bring me here?” It was an emotionally suffocating year.

But it all started to change for me when I was agonizing over the Scripture, asking God why, and looking for answers. That was when I came across 1 Kings 19 and studied in depth what was going on. It brought a much needed breath of fresh air into my life and felt like a huge weight had been lifted when I started to understand the truths of this passage.

For background: In this passage, the prophet Elijah had just been a part of performing an incredible miracle where God showed up BIG TIME and proved himself to hundreds of false prophets. Obviously, the false prophets and their leaders were not too happy when they had been shown up and they sought to take out their anger on Elijah. After this mountain top victory, Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. He ran until he was far enough away, in a desert, and then threw himself down crying, “I’m over this, God. Kill me now!”

In a much less dramatic way, when I started to study this passage I was feeling the same way Elijah was. While I have never been clinically diagnosed with depression, I have experienced seasons in my life where depression or anxiety were real struggles. I’ve also walked with friends and family that struggle with depression and anxiety, which is why I wanted to bring attention to this passage.

Note that I am not a theologian, but I was comforted to see how God responded to Elijah’s anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts in this passage.

This is what I see:

God is Not Afraid of our Directness

The first thing Elijah does once he has arrived in the desert (spiritually and physically) is yell up to God. “I have had enough, Lord! Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors (v4).” I am better off dead like the rest of them. Then he lay down and fell asleep.

Have you ever seen a mother with her misbehaving child pull them aside and very harshly say “That’s enough!” The tone and the phrase is enough to make a little kid straighten up. But can you imagine a little child yelling up at his mother, “Mom, that’s enough! Cut it out, I’m done with you!” It would be a shocking scene, right? But here is Elijah, scared and tired and overwhelmed yelling up to the Most High God.. “That’s enough!” Elijah is scolding God. And then just lays down to take a nap. The most amazing part here is that instead of putting Elijah in his place, God came down into the desert and cooked a meal for Elijah while He rested.

And what does Elijah say a few verses later when He’s telling God all of the reasons he’s depressed? He says: “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too (v10).”

Elijah tells God, look I did all of these things for you, and nobody’s listening and I’m the only one left that obeys you, and everyone wants to kill me. But read it again like this: “God… nobody ever listens to me. I’m the only one that’s for you. Everyone wants to kill me.” Elijah is exaggerating a little here... or maybe he truly believed that everyone and their brother was after him… either way, he doesn’t hold back. God asked him what was wrong and Elijah told him. He didn’t try to conceal his puffy eyes, or his broken heart. He didn’t look down and say “Oh nothing.. just a little tired today God.” He spoke his heart and the Father listened.

God is not afraid of our directness. We don’t need to dress up our pain, or hold back our emotions when he asks us. He doesn’t lean in and ask us “What’s wrong?” because He doesn’t know. He is our father. He wants us to share our hearts. Our directness will not scare Him off.

God is Not Ignorant to our Needs

I love how after Elijah had yelled up at God and wished to die, God (in the form of the Angel of the Lord) came down to him and cooked him a meal. It says, “[Elijah] looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals…(v6)” I mean wow.. think about that for a minute. God could have just said “I’m not going to kill you, get up let’s keep moving.” He could have ignored Elijah and let him “cry it out.” But no. The Lord saw that Elijah was in pain. He saw that he hadn’t eaten or slept. He saw his needs and instead of dropping food from heaven or divinely restoring his energy, God rolled up his sleeves, got down in the dirt, and cooked Elijah a meal. God actually took the time to cook the meal Himself.

Once He had made bread for Elijah, He woke him up and reminded him to eat. Then let him sleep some more. Then He woke him up again, gave him some more to eat and acknowledged “…the journey is too much for you (v7).” God knew Elijah needed food and water and rest. God didn’t expect Elijah to just get up and carry on again.

No… God is not ignorant to our needs. He says to us, “I know this journey is hard for you. Here, I have what you need.” The Lord has not forgotten you nor has he run out of resources to meet your needs.

God is Not Offended by our Brokenness

So GOD… came into the desert and made some homemade bread for Elijah, woke him up, told him to eat, and then Elijah went back to sleep. Elijah doesn’t say anything in these verses. I kind of imagine him rolling over, not even caring that he doesn’t know this person standing over him with bread, shoves it in his mouth, and then rolls back over.

Can you imagine if God had taken offense to that and said “Hey! Excuse me! I came all the way down here, messed around in this earth dirt to build a fire, made you bread from scratch and you aren’t even going to thank me? I’m out of here!” He had every right to demand some respect... He is God after all. But no. God was not offended that Elijah was broken.

Elijah reminded God twice in this passage, “I have been zealous for you (v 14)! Don’t you remember all the things I’ve done for you? I’m the only one left! I’m the good child!” It seems that Elijah (along with most of us I imagine) viewed God primarily as the Commander in Chief. The Master. The One who gives the orders. Elijah’s measure of success was how much he had done for his Master, and in his eyes he had done enough to receive some kind of reward. So it was very confusing for him to find himself depressed in this desert.

But instead of reacting as an Army general would, God was not upset that Elijah needed time. He was not angry as if Elijah had ruined His plans. He didn’t yell in anger “There is so much more to do, we need to go!” He was not mad that Elijah had seemingly forgotten all that He had done for him. He was no offended that Elijah was hurting.

Instead, I see God in this passage like a husband sitting in the room of his sick wife, watching and agonizing over her pain, waiting for her to wake up so he can give her what she needs to heal.

God is not offended by our brokenness. We do not need to clean ourselves up or pretend like we are not broken. We don’t need to hide the fact that we are “out of commission”. We are not offending the Chief or making the Master mad.

God Does Not Abandon Us

The last part of this passage is what most people think of when they hear this story. It’s the part with the still small voice. Once Elijah was rested and had eaten, God calls him away... out of the desert. Then He asks Elijah “What are you doing here?” He asks not once, but twice, “What brought you here? Why are you in this state?” Which is when Elijah replies “Eeeeveryone is trying to kill me.” But God did not ask Elijah what he was doing because He didn’t know the answer. God asked because He was giving Elijah two chances to evaluate his heart.

As if God showing up in our brokenness and giving us what we need isn’t enough, to end this story He called Elijah away so that He could speak to him personally and strengthen their relationship.

God does not abandon us. No, He calls us into His presence. It may take some wind and fire and earth quakes to wake us up a bit. But he calls us to Himself, reminds us to take a deep breath, gently asks us to evaluate our hearts, and then sends us back out to carry on.